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Old 14-01-2017, 12:25 AM   #61
wllm33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GULAIYU View Post
CNY is coming up soon. There will be lots of eating and drinking. A friend introduced me a type of weight loss plaster. Just need to paste it. Very effective. The whole treatment is 7 days. Can lose up to 10kg weight. And it is not expensive. So I asked where do I paste the plaster?
He said at the mouth.😷
good one
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Old 25-01-2017, 04:30 PM   #62
GULAIYU
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🍁笑笑:
😑小雞問母雞: 為什麼人類都有名字,而我們全都叫雞?
😃母雞回答: 人類活著的時候都有名字,但死了也全都叫鬼了。 我們活著的時候沒有名字,但死就有很多名字了!
☺小雞說: 真的嗎,都叫些什麼名字?
😁母雞說: 咖喱雞、白斬雞、香菇雞、燒雞、炸雞、烤雞、手撕雞、口水雞、辣子雞、醬油雞、鹽焗雞…

😜祝你雞年快樂!
🐔🐓🐔🐓🐔🐓🐓🐔
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Old 02-02-2017, 02:25 PM   #63
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[[((((( *Joke of the year* )))))]]

Trump teaching his children spelling of *"assassination"*:

•• One *ass* behind another *ass* .... behind that *I* .... and behind me the whole *nation*.
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Old 10-02-2017, 09:33 AM   #64
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WHAT IS VALENTINE'S DAY?
🌹🌹
If you marry the right person, everyday is Valentine's Day.
Marry the wrong person, everyday is Ching Ming's Day.
Marry a lazy guy, everyday is Labour Day.
Marry a rich fellow, everyday is Chinese New Year.
You marry a childish guy, everyday would seem like Children's Day.
Marry a cheater or liar, everyday will become April Fool's Day.
Don't get married, everyday is Independance Day💃🎁🍾🎉🍺
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Old 12-02-2017, 09:38 AM   #65
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YOU CAN'T WIN WITH WOMEN

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE) , he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SHARE THIS WITH SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

(¨`·.·´¨) Alwayz
`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) Keep
(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´ Smiling!
`·.¸.·´
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Old 12-02-2017, 08:13 PM   #66
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*Pre-Valentine jokes*

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT ? ? ?

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....

***************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale, and then the fight started....

***************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I took her to a petrol pump, and then the fight started....

***************************

My wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."

And then the fight started....

***************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I've not been in a long time."

So I took her to my parents' house. And then the fight started....

***************************

Dedicated to all married couples. But don't send to all.

I sent it to my friend. He sent it to his wife and then the fight started. 😂😂😂
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Old 14-02-2017, 02:28 AM   #67
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Thanks for sharing these occasional jokes that make me smile n laugh ..
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Old 14-02-2017, 02:23 PM   #68
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金银花......best gift for special occasion like V Day.....cos it consist of Gold, Silver and Flower.......
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Old 26-02-2017, 09:21 PM   #69
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President Trump's health care package

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package:

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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Old 01-03-2017, 08:54 AM   #70
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- This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking._
*_The following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers) :_*

Q. What is a turbine ?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections ?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. I am

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination ?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen) ?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels... A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula ?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean ?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control ?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The Caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure ?
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I conked out.)

Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Name the four seasons ?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

AND THEY CAN VOTE NOW ? 😜😜
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