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Old 02-09-2018, 02:30 PM   #141
richardg
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A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up. '

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The retired offr looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah. I'd rather like have a talking frog than a nagging wife..
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Old 02-09-2018, 08:19 PM   #142
wllm33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by richardg View Post
A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up. '

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The retired offr looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah. I'd rather like have a talking frog than a nagging wife..
right on!
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Old 06-09-2018, 03:27 AM   #143
shiokmc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natureman View Post
Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.
cid:image001.jpg@01D08CDA.A2A3B020
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.


Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ..
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used
only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Hhahhahahaaaahhahhaaa

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Old 06-09-2018, 04:29 PM   #144
Genki89
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A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.

The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.

The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.

Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.

After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.

The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.

In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.

He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.

The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.

The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.

After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.

The client asked the same things:
room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 73g.

This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.

Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.

The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.

The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.

To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.

The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.

In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.

- The client : If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?
- The boss: I promise I will never let anyone know.
- The client: Swear.
- The boss: I swear I won't reveal your secret.

So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.

When he does, I will let you know...
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Old 07-09-2018, 02:59 PM   #145
BlueC
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Heehee
Good ones.
Thanks for sharing.
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Old 03-10-2018, 10:49 AM   #146
richardg
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The driver asked me where I want to to Artic or Antartic. I said it didnt matter, I am bipolar


At the restaurant I was offered the choice of the right or left leg of a fawn.
I said it didn't matter which leg as I'm Bambidextrous.
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